Tears when you need them

Have been on the phone with relatives and friends for the last 24 hours. For some strange reason, have not been able to cry.

It is like this great body of tears has all welled up somewhere and there is something that is stopping the dam from bursting out. San has cried and gotten better, Jr. who heard grandma cry over the phone, cried in turn, threw up by psyching herself and the little one did her thing as well.

For some strange reason, tears evade me. There is a lot of guilt, for making my bed here in the USA, a far away land, knowing that it would not be possible to go make it to India in times like these, within a time frame that would make any sense.

There is a rich culture and an elaborate grieving process that actually helps the people left behind, of which I am not a part of, right now. That with the guilt for having no one else to blame for this situation but myself, is not helping.

So, in an attempt to justify my internal logic, I am living in some kind of delusional world where on the one hand the death of the grandfather who epitomizes the word "love" for me is conflicting with thoughts like "I could have been living in Bombay instead of California and there could be a flood there or an airline strike there and it would be the same situation..." etc. etc.

The hamster inside the head is running at 400 GHz, quite aimlessly for it knows not how to get all those well intentioned emotions out.

My mom called me and broke down today over the phone. Somehow, news reached her that I was in an accident on thursday morning and escaped near death. As a family have had more reasons to be together than ever before, this year.

We for our part did not tell her about the accident because we did not want them to worry. They for their part did not want to tell us that Grandpa was admitted to the hospital and was in critical condition, because they didn't want us to worry. When I told my mom that maybe if she had given me a hint two days earlier, there would have been a plane ticket, she told me she knew about my accident and how I did not tell her. That sealed my lips.

Now we have sealed tear ducts and sealed lips. My school teacher mom promptly reminded me of

Home They Brought Her Warrior Dead
by Alfred Lord Tennyson

(a poem that is not easily forgotten)

Home they brought her warrior dead:
She nor swooned, nor uttered cry:
All her maidens, watching, said,
'She must weep or she will die.'

Then they praised him, soft and low,
Called him worthy to be loved,
Truest friend and noblest foe;
Yet she neither spoke nor moved.

Stole a maiden from her place,
Lightly to the warrior stepped,
Took the face-cloth from the face;
Yet she neither moved nor wept.

Rose a nurse of ninety years,
Set his child upon her knee--
Like summer tempest came her tears--
'Sweet my child, I live for thee.'

Somehow, someone needs to slap me or say or do something that will get all this stuff inside to come out.

Maybe it is fear of losing my composure in front of Jr. and the little one that is making me do this?, don't know.

Till that happens, going to walk around with a blank stare.

God knows I miss him. Thought putting this in words might help. Still doesn't.



ps. We were at Tamizh school this morning and as I waited in the car for San to drop off Jr. in class and be back, saw a grandpa carrying a little on on his hips and hold his version of Jr. by the other hand and it reminded me of my grandpa doing the same thing with me and my brother. Almost started crying and San came back with the Little one and I stopped. Sure that emotional dam will burst. Just hoping it is sooner than later!

The little one is truly blessed. She can cry on demand and get tears instantaneously for no reason.


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My Dearest Appayithathayi

Earlier today there was a phone call from India. We were having an afternoon nap. Without realizing that it was day and looking at the clock and seeing 1:30, I told my mom, "isn't it too early to call me for a birthday wish. how many times do I tell you to note time difference before waking me up too early? Call me later" and my mother goes "have bad news for you, and by the way, it is afternoon for you and it is 3 AM for me! Appa is not with us anymore".

My grandfather, who I call "Appa" (daddy) because I saw my mom and all her siblings call him Appa, named me Sundararaman because he was reading "Sundara Kaandam" from Ramayana the previous week. The name implies, Rama who belongs to Sundara (also known as Hanuman or Anjaneya). A pious man who always put family first, there are so many words that rush to my mind.

My grandpa has filled our lives with happiness, tried his best to teach us how to enjoy and appreciate life, handle difficult situations and has been a role model to all his kids and grand kids (which we will pass on to his great grand kids) on how to appreciate people, god, music, and culture.

More than anything, he taught every one how to love, cherish and appreciate one's spouse. In April, when I went to visit him (last time we met), was talking to a local auto rickshaw driver near Hotel Carnival..

Me: Adayar Sri Krishna Sweets ponum pa, variya? (have to go to Adayar, will you come?)

Driver : Jodi Thatha peran dhane nee? (you are "Jodi" grandpa's grandson right?)

Me : !!!

Driver : Unga thatha mudiyudho mudiyaliyo, patti kayya pudichu enga ponalum ezhuthukitte povaru, adhanaala naanga Jodi thathannu solluvom! (your grandpa holds on to your grandmas hand and takes her with him everywhere, irrespective of wheather she can or cannot walk. So we nicknamed him "Jodi" thatha .. which means "partner" by the way!).

He lived a full life. My paati, their 6 children and families which include 11 grand children and 5 great-grand children will all miss him and will definitely celebrate his life.

It feels sad that out of all those people, I am the only one who will not be there and have to go through a grieving process remotely. It is times like these that we need to have Star Trek like Transporters made available sooner. While the rest of them are all gathered in one place as I type this to cremate him, have put together a tribute to him on youtube.

Here is to my Dear Thatha...




We love you!



ps. this is a collection of photos and videos from what was available here. the sound in the background is his reciting Ramayana in 1993 for me. He gave me that tape so I could listen to him whenever I missed him!



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Trying times

Had many a funny thought in edit mode over the last week, but somehow, never could get in the mood to post anything. No matter how busy at home or work, have always managed to post something here at least once a week.

Yet, once in a while things happen, so fast and in succession that you are just reacting at every level. Last week was one such week.

A colleague died of heart failure. He was 51 years old. Have not managed to get over it. He is already cremated and the funeral service is done and all we have is a plant at home which is now somehow associated with him. His family had requested that we give a live plant instead of flowers! When this was explained to the little one at home, she now points to a plant and goes "is that him?". I guess it is him, now that she constantly keeps reminding me.

Then San's aunt passed away. She was my MIL's closest cousin. San's uncle happens to be my FIL's cousin. As two brothers from one family marrying two sisters from another, they were all very close. San's aunt was struggling with kidney failure, had a transplant, and was living on dialysis for 15 years! She was an inspiration to all of us. She was only 54 years old! The very next day after she passed away, MIL flew back to India!

The kids have now come up with a song which they were singing on their own. (it would make one depressing videoblog). It goes something like this..

Bombay is in India
and we are so sad
Bombay is in India
and we are so sad
Bombay is in India
won't you get her back
1,2,3
she will be back again..

Jr. is a genius. She knew the last line didn't rhyme, and so made a real sad face to compensate for it. The sisters also sing the first two lines in chorus to give an added pleading effect. Maybe she was trying to cheer us up with her antics and song, sensing that the adults in the house are just brooding!

Just when we try to get things going again, open Google and see that Randy Paush passed away as well and that somehow seemed to be the straw that broke the camel! Not that we know Randy personally or anything, but the fact that we have been following his blog and his determined fight with pancreatic cancer and how the words "passed away" would keep resonating in our heads for a straight week! just sent the mood spiralling down.

Last evening, San realized that we could not stay in the house anymore. So we decided to cheer ourselves and the kids by taking them out to the beach. Thanks to the cousins, who came up with an idea to go to the Pidgeon Lighthouse on route 1, we drove for almost 2 hours, saw the lighthouse, let the kids play at Gazos creek and had dinner at a small but beautiful restaurant in Gazos creek.

That was definitely a turn around point. At least it took our minds off the departed for some time and got to see the kids smile and get back to ground zero.

This morning, we went Bike shopping. Yes, Bike shopping.

There have been a couple of new resolutions passed in the house after attending the funeral service.

1. Daddy is giving up his addiction to curly fries. Almost every day when he is at work in the lunch table, he orders a plate of curly fries and puts them in the middle for everyone to share. But fact is that he eats the lions share of the fries. Many a time his dead friend would remark "those things can kill you, you know!". Now that the warning is as real as it can get, no more daily curly's. Maybe, once a month, or at a restaurant....

2. There will be exercise! Hence the bike shopping. The whole family went and visited every bike store in the santa clara, sunnyvale, san jose, cupertino area, found out what daddy needs, and got him a bike. (Jr. has threatened not to get in the van if we ever visit one more bike store. She got really tired at the end, especially when she realized that the whole exercise was for daddy and none of the bikes being selected by her or the little one were being taken seriously by either parent). We now have a Diamondback Insight which daddy already tested in Shoreline park earlier today, and is very very happy with the bike.

3. The per capita potato consumption of this family will be reduced by 50% over the next quarter. Most of it is being consumed by daddy today and he will have to do the brunt of the reducing. Considering that daddy lives on potato, cooked in various shape or form, mostly involving a lot of oil, this reduction might send his body into potacalyptic shock! Maybe my system is a well "oiled" machinery and one fine day when we decide to take the oil and the grease out, it might start squeaking a little.. Only time will tell.

It has been one roller coaster week.

The most profound realization of the week was NOT things that cross my mind in passing like

1. Here today, gone tomorrow
2. We are here for our kids
3. It is important to stay fit
4. Stressing out over little things is not worth it

etc. etc.

These thoughts constantly cross my mind, but somehow subconsciously, I have succesfully learnt to put them in the background and keep moving.

The one thing that I did realize was how much I put San through by not taking care of my health. Somehow we have gotten used to our fights over my health that it feels like a rerun! This weekend, saw her face go really pale, when I mentioned that it has finally dawned on me that "I" should take better care of my health. For once, she did not go into the usual "I have been saying it since the day we got married. blah blah blah.." speech. She just sat there with a look on her face that said "Whatever. If you have realized it for real, I am happy for you!". It was a face that was tired of telling me, again and again.

Here is to hope, less potato, Sundar turning a new leaf.

May all those departed souls rest in peace!


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Just another Cricket post ...

Have been reading all the furor over the recent India-Bangladesh match where India lost to Bangladesh (India are strong favorites and Bangladesh were typically being reffered to as Minnows in the media !). There is similar if not worse reaction to Pakistan losing to Ireland and exiting the Cricket world cup!

Mostly the blog world is polarized about the mob mentality of the Indian Cricket fan and how the ardent fan is justifiably pissed at the performance of his / her Cricket hero ! Most of it is in reaction to how a mob stormed into one of the cricketers home and destroyed property, etc.,

A sample is here.. here..and now that the Pakistan cricket coach's death has been declared "suspicious", we are going to see a lot more posts on losing and winning games when you have a huge fan base in the billions!

A message to my cricket loving brethren :

CHILL OUT !!!

It is a sport. Someone wins, someone loses, sometimes someone makes some money, sometimes someone loses money, they all become part of the statistic and pretty soon it is all forgotten and one goes about buying ones favorite brand of shaving razor or tea bag or insurance policy. Yeah, that same favorite which is common between you and your Cricketer idol!

Just think of how you would have watched the game were it advertised a little differently as a SUN TV movie.. (now pardon the Tamlish! and imagine the below words with a strong Tamizh accent)

Indhiya tholaikatchigalil mudhal murayaaga
thiraikku vandhu sila mani nerangale aana
Satchin, sEvAg, DhOni, Mandira matrum palar nadiththa
Indiava Bangladesha pOtti

Kaana thavaraadheergal !

I am sure it would be a laugh fest at that point..

I am still waiting for the Indian team to make it to the final 8 for a personal reason. I get to watch the matches only if they make it to the final 8 or else I forfeit the right to order the games on Dish Network (My bet with my home bookie a.k.a. wife!).

Considering the 250 Crore rupees loss mentioned in a few blogs ($ 50 Million) in advertising revenue, ticket sales etc. being projected, they must be playing like they have a fire under their youknowwhats, but I hope the match does not get fixed for ticket sales. I would rather see those cricket heroes do their absolute best and win it with their talent and teamwork!

Good luck to team India!

On a personal note to my dad : You are probably right. Most matches are rigged and I am still stupid enough to succumb to cricket fever! I always feel like that dude who watches the action replay and says "I hope he hits the ball at least this time"!!


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Two conversations..

1995 : (first trip back in India after two years in US)

auto driver : Sir, give me 25 rupees
dad : we agreed on 20 rupees. that is what you are getting.
driver (looks at me) : sir, tell your dad to be nice and not make a big deal out of 5 rupees.
me : why argue over this. just give him 25 ! (thinking along the lines of the anon commenter in the previous post!)
dad : (totally pissed and disappointed with his son) no. deal is a deal. 5 rupees is a lot of money! I told you to come by bus.. you insisted on auto. just get inside the house..
neighbour : Sir, rendu varushaththulaye unga payyanukku evvalo pana thimiru ! (in two years your son has become so arrogant with new found money).. this when I was a student still trying to make ends meet with my stipend !
Then dad and neighbour uncle go on to give me a lecture on why If I give the guy 25 rupees then everyone will expect 25 rupees as the new norm from my house and everyone in the 6 apartments we have in common !!

that was the end of my conversation with autowallahs for that trip..

later in life, I grew up and as a routine I bargain for things (including at the local toyota maintanence facility - which I did write about last year).. It doesnt matter where.. unless there is a meter or a system (like Yellow cabs in the US or the Mumbai autos and taxis), I will bargain !!

When a guy asks you 80 rupees for a trip that normally costs 70, you can give in (especially if the route has more traffic, he has to make too many U turns or if he will have difficulty in getting his next customer at your drop off point).. but 120 rupees for a 70 rupee trip ? you are getting ripped off and that shouldnt be encouraged in any country!!

Any guy who tries to rip you off should not be rewarded with an extra 50 INR so he can enjoy a nice meal !!! He should be taught the importance of making an honest living !

Second Conversation :

Jr. : Why are those people dancing ?
me : someone died and they are taking the dead person away
Jr. : why ?
me : why are they taking dead person away ?
Jr. : no. Why are they dancing ?
me : I dont know. I will find out and tell you..

She had this weird experession on her face for some time..

I thought about it and realized why ?

Dorothy (our pet fish) dies.. we are sad (because dorothy was a nice fish who didnt harm anyone)
Mosquito (in Mumbai) was killed by Jr. for first time and we rejoiced on the death (because Mosquito was a bad guy )

now , these people are rejoicing over this dead person ! could it be that he was a bad guy ?

Clearly, I need to get some clear understanding on the dancing in front of body subject.. before I can explain things to Jr..

That will be my homework for tomorrow..

Still enjoying Chennai. Today was pondy bazaar day!! Whew !! You pray to all the gods you know, close your eyes and stand in front of RMKV and before you know it the crowd drops you in front of what you want to buy.. more on that magic later..